Weasley is Our King
by Cute-Cookie
Summary: Remember the quidditch match when Ron let in 14 goals? This fanfic shows how badly things REALLY went. And just WHAT was the spell Harry hit him with 30 mins before it started? PARODY. Flames welcome. Rated for language.. so don't say I didn't warn ya.


**The Great Hall – 30 minutes before Quidditch Match.**

Harry: (smiling encouragingly) Ron, you can do this. You've done it before, remember?

Ron: I didn't save anything last time, remember?

Harry: (smile fading) Oh yeah. My bad. Sorry.

Hermione: You okay, Ron?

Ron suddenly turns and vomits into Dean Thomas's porridge.

Dean: HEY!!

Ron: (weakly) I feel kinda sick…

Harry: No shit, Sherlock. Hermione, can't we charm him to give him more confidence or something?

Hermione: There's no such spell!

Harry: What?? There HAS to be!!

Hermione: Well then pull it out of your arse if you're so sure it exists!

Harry: I WILL! But no... I've got an IDEA.

He points his wand at Ron.

Harry: _Miridentius!_

His spell hits Ron straight in the face. Ron blinks a few times, dazed, then suddenly grins.

Hermione: (interested) What spell was that?

Harry: Dunno. Made it up on the spot just then. Lets hope it's something good, eh?

Hermione: WHAT?? YOU DUMB SHIT!!

Harry: Oh yeah, cause you're just FULL of helpful charms. Ron feels fine, don't you Ron?

Ron: (happily) I feel fantastic! We gotta try that shit again sometime!

Hermione: Oh, _Honestly. _Ron, the match starts soon. Are you ready?

Ron: Oh, I'm ready! But are you ready for my broom? Hardened!

Hermione glares at Harry.

Harry: What? Okay, so maybe it wasn't the BEST idea -

Hermione: You're a fuckwit!!

Angelina Johnson comes up behind them.

Angelina: RON!! Get your pale freckly ass to the changing rooms NOW!!

* * *

**Changing Rooms – 10 minutes before Quidditch Match.**

Angelina: Got that team?? This is my only year as captain and if you fuck it up for me I'll rip your hearts out and feed them to the Slytherins! Don't screw up or you'll regret it!!

Ginny: (muttering) Psycho bitch.

Angelina: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Ginny: (whimpering) N-nothing…

Angelina: And why are you in here, Potter?? Team members ONLY!

Harry: (hurt) I was on the team for five years! I only lost one game! Anyway, Hermione made me keep an eye on Ron, cause see I sorta jinxed him so he went all horny and –

Angelina: Did I ask for your life story!! Grr you people are USELESS! I'm gonna go outside to check out weather conditions. See if I can give you losers a heads up.

She storms out and the team breathes sigh of relief. Sounds from the stands drift through the door Angelina just left through.

Slytherins: (singing, from outside) _Weasley is our king; Weasley is our king; He always lets the quaffle in; Weasley is our king_

Ron: (smiling) Hey, They're singing about me!

Harry: Uh, Ron…

Ron: SHUSH!! I'm listening to the song!!

Harry: But they mock you in it and say you were born in a bin!

Ron: (shocked) WHAT?! That's so MEAN!! (starts sobbing)

Angelina walks back into the room and sees Ron crying.

Angelina: POTTER!! You turned my keeper into a pussy!!

Harry: (quietly) Yeah, we all know you like that kinky shit.

Angelina: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Harry: (quickly) N-nothing…

Angelina: Fuck off, Four-Eyes!

Harry leaves the room with his head down, blinking furiously.

Angelina: Time for another one of my pep talks, team!

The rest of the team cowers against the back wall, whimpering loudly.

Angelina: WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Team: (frightened) N-nothing…

Angelina: That's what I thought.

* * *

**Quidditch Pitch – Time for Kick-Off.**

The Gryffindor team walks onto the pitch to a deafening mixture of cheers and boos.

Ron: (catching sight of Hermione sitting with Harry in the stands) Yeah baby! You like your Quidditch players, don't cha! You won't fancy Krum any more once you've seen THIS!

He sticks one end of his broom in the ground and pretends to pole dance with it.

Hermione: (staring) What the HELL did you cast on him?

Harry: (also staring) Are you as turned on by his dancing as I am?

Hermione: No! Ew!

Harry: O-Oh! Yeah I'm just, um, joking! I'm not either…

Hermione: This is all your fault. You're a fuckwit.

Harry: Hey, I -

Hermione: Fuckwit.

Harry: But –

Hermione: Fuckwit.

Harry: (crying) I have feelings you know! And you hurt them! Angelina already made fun of my glasses, you bitch! (runs off crying to sit with Fred and George)

Hermione: ……

Back on the pitch the teams have lined up. The whistle blows and everyone takes off into the air. Everyone, that is, except Ron.

Ron: H-hey! Wait up! Shit! My broom won't work!

He kicks it accidentally with his heel, and with a _vrooooooom_ it takes off.

Ron: What the hell? (shrugs) Never mind...

Two minutes later the game has truly started. A Hufflepuff chaser comes zooming towards Ron.

Ron: Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit...

The chaser throws the quaffle towards the centre hoop. Ron desperately stretches out his arms and……

* * *

**What a shitty cliffhanger LOL. Ron's going to miss 14 goals, but should this one be one of them? I havent't decided yet, so you choose. Should he catch? Miss? Throw Crookshanks at it? Fall off? REVIEW :) Flames welcome. And so are suggestions of what you want to happen. If they're stupid enough, I might just use them :)**


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